En'graved in my memories

2010-01-05T14:38:00.000+08:00

Happy 2010 people.
2010 marks a new start, a new year.
Thus, a new blog!

http://engraved.onsugar.com/

TAG. COMMENT, LINK ME THERE.

See you guys and have a blessed year 2010!

2009-12-29T13:48:00.001+08:00

I miss you, dear.

Today is the last day that I will be 18. No time to do a reflection of my past 1 year, I'm heading over to Evon's place for a class bbq!

Powerhouse tomorrow! Yay, finally!

2009-12-27T04:50:00.002+08:00

My chest pains is the reason why I hate crying, why I've always tried to keep my cool about stuffs, why I've always NEEDED to remain a happy girl.

Haven't had the chest pains for a few months, it's suddenly back. Lols.. Nobody believes what I'm saying anyway. THE PAIN IS FELT BY ME, NOT ANYONE ELSE. I don't expect anyone to understand this kinda pain cos they're not the ones going through it.

你放手却困住了我
Trap me in your heart forever, cos that's where I wanna be. Even if you're no longer here anymore..

Maybe this is for the best afterall... Maybe it's time for acceptance after a long time of denial..

2009-12-27T04:46:00.002+08:00

If only things were just as simple as I love you, you love me.

I am being too emotional for my own good. Instead of giving love, I'm giving stress inside. Today marks the first day I've put my determination into backing off from this whole situation.

I've said before, I will use my own hands to break my own heart just to leave you. I can tell that you no longer care for me as much as you did. Cos everything else comes before me now. Don't know what to reply, then you don't bother replying anymore, without caring that I'm waiting for your reply. Don't feel like replying, then go MIA. Never thought of how I would feel when you don't contact me.

It's okay, my feelings are transparent.

My feelings will be inexistent from now on.

Goodnight.

2009-12-26T13:05:00.000+08:00

I need some booze and ciggz to numb this.

2009-12-26T12:53:00.000+08:00

Just let me be the one to take it all.
Let me be the one to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.

2009-12-26T12:50:00.002+08:00

It's just 4 more days to my fucking birthday.
Everything's cocking up now..

Let me get drunk on that day, don't stop me.

2009-12-26T12:35:00.003+08:00

I had literal heart pains this morning. It was hurting so badly, I just collapsed on to the floor crying. YAH, I FAINTED THR AND WOKE UP TO GET MYSELF BACK TO BED, WHO THE FUCK CARES?

Then I wake up at noon because of a call from someone. First he asks, what are you doing? I said I'm sleeping, and he goes on asking me how was my night etcetc. OMG IF I AM SLEEPING CAN'T YOU JUST CALL BACK LATER?

Nvm that, so I flipped my body to the side and checked my laptop. Suddenly, blood drip out from my nose. And I'm freaking dizzy and having a headache now.

I SERIOUSLY WISH THIS LIFE OF MINE CAN BE FREAKING TAKEN AWAY ALREADY AND STOP MAKING ME GO THROUGH ALL THIS PAIN PLEASE...

2009-12-26T03:21:00.001+08:00

(*)-~-*º¼ÅñDrê¼º*-~-(*)--= says: (3:17:48 AM)
i'm a busybody... i'm just more curious than cautious.
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:18:01 AM)
I SAID DONT ASK RIGHT?
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:18:14 AM)
U NEVER RESPECT WHATEVER PEOPLE SAY
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:18:20 AM)
THAT'S WHY SO MANY PEOPLE WILL GET PISSED OFF AT U.
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:18:27 AM)
NEVER EVER.
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:18:32 AM)
I SMSING AND U LOOK AT MY MSG.
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:18:34 AM)
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK.
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:18:40 AM)
U KNOW SOMETHING CALLED PRIVACY?
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:18:51 AM)
DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING MANNERS AT ALL?
(*)-~-*º¼ÅñDrê¼º*-~-(*)--= says: (3:19:09 AM)
yes i do.
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:19:14 AM)
FUCK MAN
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:19:16 AM)
IF U DO
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:19:21 AM)
U WOULDNT BE PEEPING AT MY MSG.
(*)-~-*º¼ÅñDrê¼º*-~-(*)--= says: (3:19:36 AM)
but i didnt say anything..
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:19:42 AM)
LOL!!!!
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:19:43 AM)
DONT MAKE ME LAUGH
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:19:54 AM)
DOES IT MAKE A DIFF WHETHER U SAY SMTH OR NOT?
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:20:01 AM)
IT'S STILL A FACT THAT U FUCKING LOOKED AT MY MSG WITHOUT PERMISSION
(*)-~-*º¼ÅñDrê¼º*-~-(*)--= says: (3:20:02 AM)
wont it?
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:20:03 AM)
THAT'S FUCKING NO MANNERS
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:20:07 AM)
WHAT THE FUCK
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:20:09 AM)
YOU GO ASK EVERYONE
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:20:12 AM)
WHETHER THAT'S GOT MANNERS OR NOT
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:20:15 AM)
GO ASK THEN COME TALK TO ME
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:20:18 AM)
IF NOT JUST SHUT UP
(*)-~-*º¼ÅñDrê¼º*-~-(*)--= says: (3:20:28 AM)
ok i will shut up.
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:20:30 AM)
GOOD
En - I will forget love, cos love has forgotten me. says: (3:20:31 AM)
BYE

THINGS WERE BAD ENOUGH AND THIS MADE ME BLOW MORE STEAM.
BLOODY HELL EVERYONE JUST FUCK OFF MAN.

2009-12-26T02:36:00.002+08:00

My brain's screwed up, fucking screwed up. Bad mood now, I wish I never got myself into such a complicated mess. Fuck this life. I'm not happy, I'M FUCKING NOT HAPPY...

2009-12-24T16:04:00.003+08:00

Life doesn't always go the way you want it to be. Sometimes you may wish and hope for things to be the way you think it to be, but it's not. We all live in a world full of lies and fabrications. It's so easy to make up stories, because who actually knows whether it's Fact or Fiction? It's all about this word - Trust. Because of Trust, that's why people Believe. When we Believe, that's where Faith comes into play. It's a very vulnerable thing. Abuse it and it's gone. People take advantage of it to hurt you.

That's why they always say, Ignorance is Bliss. What you don't know can't hurt you.

I wish your lies and stories have no loopholes.

Don't abuse the word love, because it will really crush the hopes of people who really truly believe in it.

Merry Christmas everyone.

2009-12-24T15:42:00.001+08:00

This is bullshit, nonsense... I'm tired of this.

2009-12-23T17:53:00.003+08:00

Just came back home from Paul's place! Mum wanted to drive me over when I told her I'm going out. But she didn't know I'm just going over to the next block. Hahaha! Watched Fired Up with him. Funny show, about cheerleading stuffs. Chatted with him a lil after that before heading back home.

HUNGRY.

2009-12-23T14:41:00.001+08:00

Take me on a trip I'd like to go some day ~

BABY, drive me to KL or Genting or somewhere! Drive me to Ipoh to have my fave Ipoh hor fun!

I wanna go on a cruise too. Hehehe.

High maintainence princess. =x

2009-12-23T04:02:00.002+08:00

One more week till it's my birthday! (:

Mel just went to sleep. It just feels so good to finally be able to talk to him. It's like sweetness is slowly seeping back in. I wish it'll keep up like this...

Tired. I'm having sudden chest pains again. ):

2009-12-23T00:47:00.003+08:00

Bought my Samsung F480 a year back on 22nd December 2008. Never sent it for servicing till today, 22nd December 2009. The touchscreen is super insensitive now, pisses me off a lot! Anyway, data might be lost, I'm so sad, because I want my messages! Sigh. Hopefully they don't erase all data. ):

Hagen Daaz with Mummy & Amanda jiejie while waiting for my queue. They had to settle some work related stuffs. 8 scoops of mini icecreams costed $21+ after all prevailing taxes. Super exp!

Met Andre after that, Sushi Tei. Eating Ebi Mentai is like putting heaven in your mouth! It's so good. Haha. Had my Golden Roll too. And a few other dishes. Total bill, I shall not mention.

Not feeling too good, I feel like my heart's about to burst into a million pieces.

2009-12-20T14:22:00.003+08:00

Last night, met up with Bern @ Somerset to pass him his box of stuffs. Went for some christmas shopping with him. Bumped into Sheila and Jasper at Cine! What a coincidence. He bought some stuff toys over at More Than Words. Headed up to Suki Sushi for our dinner. 99c sushi ftw! Had my fill and satisfied my cravings for sushi. Well, Stanley, my friend from ebay, popped by for a little while before he had to rush off to Tampines. Been a long long time since we met. Haha.

Reached pasir ris at 11pm+, headed over to the beach and emo big time. Well, some things shall not be mentioned here. :)

I've always been brave, even if it's just pretense. That's all you need to know, this is the me you see. I'll never crumble down infront of anyone. Not anymore.

I'm gone now.

2009-12-19T05:59:00.004+08:00

Rebel with Terrence and his sec school friends was awesome max. Really enjoyed myself just dancing. Trance at Zirca was not bad too. We're daring, Podium and even the elevated cell podium for us. Thanks Terrence a hell lot for protecting me from any guys that tried to come near me. So much appreciated.

I love clubbing, for the music and dancing. Rebel has never disappointed me. It's my new love. Phuture is seriously overrated, I won't be heading back there unless it's really insisted!

There was this girl that was totally drunk and wasted at Rebel. Poor thing, took care of her for awhile. I think I'm good, was really worried for her even though I don't even know who she is. Had to support her though, because she's drunk and can't balance. My arms are a lil sore now already. Her friends took over after that and us who were taking care of her went back to Party! :D

Ahh, yes. Jeffrey was over at Rebel too for abit. He opened a bottle of Vodka for me which I did not drink at all. :S Got Terrence's friends to drink though. If it's Chivas/Martell, I'll definitely drink. But because it's Vodka, and I don't really wanna die, so I didn't drink. I hate Vodka, hate the taste of it and the feeling it gives. Throbbing head pains. Not a nice feeling at all!

Anyways, after we finished clubbing, we took this Mini Bus back. The uncle's really nice, chatted with him through the ride. He gave us his namecard. Next time we go clubbing, can probably get him to send us back. Of cos, chargeable. Haha.

This is totally random, but, my Restaurant City has just hit level 50. Hehe. (:

6.10am. GOODNIGHT.

& ALL THE BEST TO MEL WHO'S TAKING AN EXAM LATER IN THE AFTERNOON.
<3

2009-12-17T23:49:00.003+08:00

Went clubbing last night with the intentions of getting drunk due to the multiple problems that I am currently facing. Initial plan was to go Powerhouse, but decided to head over to Phuture instead. Well, I've decided that I no longer like Phuture, since the last two visits left me quite a bad impression. Overcrowded, music isn't good either.

Well anyway, I did not get drunk. Because even before I entered Phuture, Mel texted me and told me not to get drunk. So I did not get any drinks. Almost did at the end of the party though, because I decided that I was thirsty and the drinks coupon that Andre was holding, Ben told me I could get Jagerbomb with that. So, he got Jagerbomb for me & Jolin. That really got me high, I thought I was gonna get drunk because it's been way too long since I last consumed alcohol. Well, it's really nice. I'm still gonna declare Jagerbomb my favourite drink. :)

Some hiccups did occur through last night, and in the morning. But all is well now.

Ahhhh, I miss clubbing with Mel, seriously! Miss dancing with him, miss him dancing for me. :P

Slept at around 9am, woke up at 12pm, slept again, and woke up at 2pm. The plan was to meet my jies at Kovan MRT at 3pm for Sakae buffet. Initially, it was 1230. Then changed to 2, but I made it 3 because the buffet starts at 3. Woke up, bathed, make up, and rushed out of the house. Left home at 245, reached Kovan at 315, amazingly. I thought I was gonna be hell late. Hahaha.

Had an amazing meal at Sakae Sushi. Right now, I'm STILL craving for it. Goodness, I'm seriously addicted to sushi. How many times have I eaten sushi already just in this month alone? Tsk...

Headed back to Val's house, we played DDR. It's so funny, all of us were failing and all that. But it's fun. Hannah left around 7pm when Tasia just arrived. ): Played Raving Rabbids! Then we watched The Proposal after Phoebe left...

Tired! Most probably heading down to Rebel tomorrow night. Anyone wanna join me? :)

2009-12-16T13:13:00.002+08:00

Teckjin's right. I'm way too attached to this. It's not going to work out this way. I'll learn to refrain myself and get used to this. I've said before, I'm not going to let a guy affect me so much, whoever it may be.

Powerhouse tonight. I'm gonna drown myself in alcohol.

Of all people, I thought you would be the one that understands what I'm going through right now. I guess I was wrong.

I'll handle my problems on my own. Afterall, I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ALONE.

2009-12-16T03:27:00.003+08:00

Xian Bin came over to pick me up for supper over at 444 coffeeshop. Kinda dumb since I can just walk over. Met up with his friend. Had porridge. Talked for abit. Saw Terrence, super coincidental. I thought I saw wrongly because it's my neighbourhood, not his. Anyway, chilled till around 245am before I decided to go home. Distracted the entire night, every "Message Received" that I hear, I kept hoping that it's you.

I realised how stupid I am. I'm not going to be this way anymore. You want me, come win my heart. If not, I will just force myself to pretend that all this never happened. Just like that month when you weren't around. I'll just forget you.

But this time, it's all different... Isn't it, my dear?

2009-12-15T19:45:00.001+08:00

You were the one who raised me up and gave me everything that I have. I cannot, dare not, imagine life without you. I pray that God will bless my mummy and daddy, because I love them a lot.

So many problems in my life now. I promise I'll be better. I'll get a job, whatever it is, I'll take it. I'll work and study my ass off.

2009-12-15T13:10:00.002+08:00

Baby don't pretend to be strong. You must build yourself to be strong. I love you and miss you too. Good night.

I felt so tired this morning, couldn't wake myself up to head over to Evon's place for suntanning, swimming, sauna, gym, etc. Sigh. She's leaving for Thailand tomorrow already! So gonna miss her...

Sometimes I really miss the past when you were the one that wanted me more than I did.

Kinda hate the holidays. I'm so bored.

2009-12-14T23:52:00.000+08:00

I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep thinking that my phone is ringing. I really feel like crying. I don't feel like doing anything at all. Wish I could get drunk now.

2009-12-14T22:34:00.003+08:00

There are so many things I do not dare to voice out, sometimes I feel like it's gonna suffocate me soon. There are so many limitations to how a person is allowed to feel. Most of the times I feel THIS particular way, but I am not exactly supposed to, not allowed to. So I can only pretend I'm feeling THAT particular way.

Get what I'm trying to say? It's okay if you don't. I'm kinda tired of pretending. It's just so hard.

Goodnight.

2009-12-13T20:04:00.003+08:00

Friday afternoon, went for Sakae buffet with Eddie! Finally, he did not put me aeroplane. Been a long long time since I met up with him. Was great just hanging out and talking nonsense. Ate a hell lot, I love sushi! Got to thank him for paying for my meal once again.

Impromptu decision to play mahjong. Called the brother up and got him, Josh and Eddie for mahjong. Eddie went back home first after sending me home. However, he overslept. So I had to call up Paul to come join us for mahjong! Waited for him to finish his dinner and shower before he came over. Mahjong for 1 dong feng, mum asked me and brother to eat dinner. Mel smsed me, and I really wanted to meet him. Thanks to the guys for saying that it's fine if we stop the mahjong just like that. Really sweet. But I'm gonna buy Josh and Paul a meal next time to make up for it, even though they said it's fine.

Paul accompanied me down to wait for Mel. Talked to him a little, and then Mel came. :) I miss him, a lot! BOO! Have not met him since the previous time that we had breakfast together last Saturday. Anyway, I got chided for thinking too much and being emo for the past week. ): But I was so happy, so hyper when I saw him. He says I'm so different when I'm not sick. :D:D:D So much more cheerful and active! Well it's good to finally be able to indulge in his presence which I have missed so much. Busy guy that has no time for me. Tsk.

Walked over from my place to the coffeeshop because it's so meaningless to drive there and then back again. Accompanied him for dinner. He got us Bandung, pink straw for me and blue for him. SUPER CUTE HAHAHAHAHA. Told me about his work and army stuffs. Poor thing, really busy till no time to even sleep. So I got to be more understanding. ): SO HARD!

Stayed for awhile under my block, then he had to go off to work already. I went back home to sleep, 4am received a text saying that he's ended work, asking if I want him to come find me. Woke up, waited for him to arrive. Talked for a little, and got him to go to sleep before he goes for work again at 730am. It was already close to 5am by the time he reached and he has to be awake by 7am to go to work. I couldn't sleep because I scared he overslept and missed work. So I stayed awake. 7am, I kept asking him to wake up but he told me 5mins more. So many 5mins more! Until he said he doesn't want to go and he'll come up with an excuse. I didn't sleep at all after that, went to play piano, play taptap on my iphone, etcetc. Till around 11am, went to bathe and prepare to go out. Noon time, woke him up because I had to leave already. He drove me to Pasir Ris MRT and then he headed off for class.

Some stuffs happened anyway, but the misunderstanding's cleared up already. Went to meet Bern at Vivo, and Angeline at the GV there. Got the tickets for Zombieland and headed to Sushi Tei for lunch. Angeline eats at snail's pace. She's super adorable, hahaha. Pet Safari after that, the breed of dog - ChowChow, IS SUPER CUTE! I want! Fatty dog with damn lots of fur. The name of the breed of dog is super cute too! :D Shopped around for a little before heading to the movie. Zombieland's like L4D. Killing zombies. Hahaha. Super funny, but damn gross. I kept shrieking in the cinema. T_T After the movie ended, went and got Mel's christmas pressie which I eyed before that while shopping. Bern met up with his cousin Sharmian and I went to Pasir Ris to meet up with Evon and Terrence.

Back to Evon's place for Mahjong. First round was still alright, I won a little. Tiles were not bad. But the second round was horrible. I won only ONCE, and ended up being the only one that lost money. $33 in total! Terrence was the big winner. Haha. Amazingly, I enjoyed myself and did not even once show black face even though I lost so much! I was in a good mood, probably because I'm finally not sick and was able to meet him. :)

Chilled out awhile before Terrence went back. Slept over at Evon's place because it's super late. Till 1pm, woke up. Had pancakes, watched American Pie: The book of love (or smth lidat). Super funny. Hahaha. Bathed, and headed down to Ikea. While we were walking out of the condo, her dad and mum just came back. So we hopped on to the car, and they went with us to Ikea. Shopped around, had lunch with Evon there. Meatballs, chicken wings, smoked salmon, super loves! Terrence popped by awhile to say Hi. After that, went to hunt for her parents. Shopped around a little more, then headed back home.

I'M SO TIRED. G'night!

2009-12-13T20:00:00.000+08:00

I thought that hiding all my feelings
was protecting my heart
so I never built anything
high enough to fall apart
and what I was looking for
didn't know where to start
I can't believe this is happening

The day I met you
I said welcome to the rest of my life
cause you created a new me
and all the emptiness died
I was afraid to give love another try
Now I can't believe this is happening

I know that this might get me in trouble
But it's time I let my defenses down
Cause I am no longer afraid of a struggle
Oh I've overcome

Guess I'm addicted to happiness
I just can't get enough
so I decided to give up pride and
surrender my trust
I've got no choice left
but to believe in us
and finally this is happening

I finally let myself go
I let all my guards down
baby I'm yours now
you're in control
i took the chains off my soul
and now I'm in love

2009-12-10T20:43:00.001+08:00

22 hours of sleep, I think I'm feeling just a teeny weeny bit better physically.

But, no mood.

2009-12-07T21:06:00.001+08:00

No energy. Damn feel like smoking now. (Y)

2009-12-07T20:56:00.001+08:00

Cold and Bitter.

2009-12-07T19:11:00.003+08:00

Frustrated.

2009-12-07T16:24:00.003+08:00

I may have some fears deep within
But I know, I've got you now.
There's nothing to worry about anymore.

2009-12-07T02:46:00.002+08:00

Had a nice long chat for 2 hours with Evon baby just now from 10pm to midnight. Just random conversations and gossips. Have not been talking on the phone with someone just like that in such a long long time already. I'm thankful for her company, time passes much faster with her chatting with me. Talking about someone in particular, things that he does for me, makes me smile. It's sweet, really. But will sweetness stay?...

I blew this morning when I woke up. In a horrible temper due to my consistent cough that refuses to go away. In fact, it's getting even worse now. Green phlegm and mucus, a sign of being too heaty and inflammations. Giddiness, tiredness, made the feeling a million times worse. Crying myself to sleep, waking up and crying out in pain. Just wish that I don't really have to be alone at a time like this. I hate it that I'm so much more in need of attention when I'm sick, knowing that I can't have it. Got to be independent and take care of myself, be understanding of other people's busy schedules and must be sensible. Sometimes I really wonder, must I really do this, must I really be like this? Can't I be that pampered little princess I used to be, that always throw tantrums to get everything to go my way? But..... I'm turning 19 already. 18, the year I started changing and growing up. But this morning, I threw a tantrum at someone. Something that I have not done in such a long time already. Regret, guilt, sorry, that's everything I felt the moment after the tantrum's thrown. Because I know, it's the little things that strains things... It never should've happened. And if anything goes wrong because of this, I'm sure I will blame myself for being such an idiot...

It's going to 3am, I'm still awake. I'm coughing badly and it hurts, a hell lot, still.

Right at this hour, I don't know where you are, and it's worry that I feel. Why am I feeling this? Why the insecurities? I can't go on this way, it will turn into possessiveness, I know. But controlling is hard at a time like this. When I'm sick, every little thing seems to affect me.

Insomnia strikes yet again.
Shouldn't be crying, why am I always crying now?

The love that you have for me.

2009-12-06T22:31:00.002+08:00

What makes you different
Makes you beautiful
What's there inside you
Shines through to me
In your eyes I see all the love I'll ever need
What makes you different makes you beautiful to me

You've got something so real
You touched me so deep
The material things
Don't matter to me
So come as you are
You've got nothing to prove
You won me with all the you do

And I wanna take this chance to say to you

You don't know how you've touched my life
Oh there's so many ways, I just can't describe
You taught me what love is supposed to be
It's all the little things that made you beautiful to me

Everything in you is beautiful
Love you give shines right through me
Everything in you is beautiful
Beautiful to me

:)

2009-12-06T02:30:00.003+08:00

You make me feel so loved, so blessed to have you by my side.
All the affections you show to me makes me feel very wanted.
I'm happy, for sure...

But I know, my heart's still not ready.
Because I still can't find the courage to believe in love, to trust in it.

If you really mean it when you say you love me,
then make me believe you.

When I believe, then I'll tell you that I love you too..

2009-12-05T23:42:00.003+08:00

After 3 weeks since the best friend has been back, I finally met her. Went to church together, then went opposite to Udders for icecream and waffles. Due to my sickness, I couldn't really taste anything. Wasted...

Headed down to Ikea with her and mummy because mummy wanted to buy some things. I saw this really nice red sofa-bed that I want to get! It costs $800 over. Expensive! Red and black curtains too, I want! Got myself 2 red cushions instead. My heart is still itching for that red sofa-bed. I want to re-arrange my room so that there's space, and I want that sofa-bed so that friends can come over to chill, and open up to sleep too! Boo. Everything involves money... So I can probably continue dreaming.

Mummy bought us chicken wings and meatballs. The meatballs are super loves! Been such a long time since I've had it. Mummy used to buy them back and cook it for us. I could eat a million of those things and never get sick of it. Maybe. I wouldn't know, have not tried it before. :)

I really miss my best friend, and am glad to finally be able to meet her. Thanks girl, though we did not do anything much today. But I'm really happy..

*
Yesterday, we had the F.U.Z.E signature event. I cabbed down to school because it was raining and I was feeling very unwell. Before that, I woke up at about 1215 and wanted to go see the doctor. Reached there, registered, but by the time it was around 1pm. The nurse wanted me to come back after lunch at 2pm. I was feeling so terrible that I almost cried. Worse still, I was alone. Dragged myself back home but did not go back to the doctor anymore. Prepared and went for the event already.

Played the violin, was alright I suppose. I wish I could play the piano though. The Yamaha piano feels nice. I can't get the right feel when I play on my Asahi piano at home, furthermore it's out of tune already. I want to get a new piano, but then again, that needs money too, a hell lot of money. Sigh. The world really revolves around money, I don't like it.

Headed back after the event ended, changed and headed out to meet Terrence, Hin and Germaine at Pasir Ris MRT. Met up with Jolin, Raphael and Desmond at Dhoby Ghaut. Dear Dhel was late! Tsk.. When she came, we bus-ed down to Phuture! Entry fee was a bomb - $25 for ladies and $33 for guys. Met up with Evon baby, Gerlyn, Sheila and Bern. Julin came a lot later to join us. :) Ben and Andre was there too.

Sexy eh? Hahaha.

Well, I did not have fun that night. The music gave me no feel, and some minor stuffs happened that got me quite pissed off and left the place feeling very frustrated and with an injured throat. I waited outside for them to club finish from 2am till 4am. Oh well... Shall not bring up the unhappy issues. I am not so petty afterall and they are all still my dear friends.

Sent Jolin back home first and headed over to Terrence's house with Germaine. Had early breakfast over at West Mall Plaza. Had the same Meatball Congee which Mel bought for me the night before when we had dinner there. Yums. (: Filled my tummy, cabbed back home with Germaine and rested for about 2 hours.

9am, Mel came to pick me up because I wanted to meet him for breakfast. We had breakfast over at the coffeeshop at the hilltop. Ate wanton mee! Me likey, thumbs up. White Sands afterwards because he had to go do some stuffs. Drove me back home after that. :(

I slept for 2 hours then woke up to prepare to go for church with the best friend. :)
- refers back to top of post

Tired. He's at work now. :( Shall go watch 200 pounds beauty, again.

2009-12-04T14:20:00.002+08:00

I like it when you call me princess.
I like it when you call me baby.
I like it when you call me silly girl.

I like it when you look into my eyes and smile at me.
I like it when you hold my hands in yours whenever I'm walking beside you.
I like it when you sneak attack kiss me so randomly.

I like it that you're taller than me, when I wear my 4-inch heels I'm still shorter.
I like it that you're noticing me and always keeping a look out for me.
I like it that you always take care of me.
I like it that you worry when I am feeling down or sick.

I like it when you reassure me of things even when I did not say anything.
I like it when you tell me stuffs that make me look away blushing.

I like the way you make me feel so loved.
I like the way you make me feel like I'm the only one even when you're surrounded by many many many other girls.
I like the way you make me feel that there's someone who will always be there for me.
I like the way you make me feel protected and secured.
I like the way you make me feel wanted.

^_^

2009-12-04T05:43:00.001+08:00

I'm probably dying soon.
The giddiness and pain is causing me to cry.
)':

2009-12-03T22:34:00.004+08:00

I'm exhausted and terribly sick. It's getting worse. I need so much more rest or I'm gonna collapse soon..

But there's this sweet sweet person who has been taking care of me, I'm really thankful. For all the TLC being showered upon me. I really appreciate it, it makes me smile just thinking about it. :)

Last night, I went to Narcissus with fatty wj. It's my first time at a Thai pub. Quite an interesting experience. I kinda drank a little too much at first and felt like I was gonna die, because I was feeling really tired too. But after that I stopped drinking and sobered up. I realise that when I'm 'high', I either cry very badly or laugh excessively. And I get high really fast! :\

Anyway, fatty wj has become fatter. :D Been a really long time since I last met him. Guess he was kinda surprised/shocked when I came out from the MRT because I do look very different from the last time that he saw me. I wore my 4inch heels and I'm the same height as him! Well, I remember when I was together with him, I used to complain even when I was wearing 1-inch high heels. I used to wear only t-shirts and jeans too. Just a year and everything changed so much. I'm gonna be mean, but I'm way too good for him right now. Thank goodness he left. Thinking back, I feel really dumb for all those stupid things that I did. Especially the time when I had to go hospital in the middle of the night. Spent $100 on consultation, injection and medication. He did not even bother to send me there even when I cried and begged him to. Oh well, it's over. I'm not that small girl that would use suicide to attract attention anymore.

Mel was there at Narcissus too, and he kept taking care of me, making sure I am alright. I forgot to bring my strepsils which he bought for me the other time, and I was coughing really badly. He went to buy another box for me! He suddenly stood beside me and put something to my lips, so I ate it. Gave him a look of surprise when I realise it's the blackcurrent strepsils, and then he took out the entire box from somewhere behind and gave it to me. :) Super sweet, my heart totally melt. He kept looking out for me though he's busy entertaining other people too. Really super super super sweet!

The night was quite boring for me because the place is more for guys and not for girls. WJ was busy entertaining other girls and friends. So I just sat there observing my surroundings. Stayed at the place till closing though, because Mel was sending me back. WJ accompanied me to wait for him and then went off with his friends. Mel drove me back home to get my stuffs for school. He's freaking high/drunk, I swear! Through the entire journey to my house, he kept repeating the same things over and over again. I took my stuffs, then we headed over to his place. This time round, I fell asleep in the car so he had no opportunity to repeat all the things he's already said. Hehehe. :P

KO-ed till 1130am when we had actually set alarm for 830 so that he can drive me to school. When I woke up, I tried to talk but no sound came out at all. It was super bad.. & I was feeling giddy for the entire day too.

Went for lunch with his daddy, had his favourite chicken rice. His daddy's nice, talked to me about some stuffs. But I'm really shy, all I can do is smile smile and nod my head.

After lunch, watched Monsters vs Aliens on his car. That show is so cute! I like! Went back to his place for me to bathe, then continued watching the show till finish. He even gave me birtnest to drink, I think. I don't know what it is because he didn't want to tell me. And guess what, suaku me never drank birdnest before in my entire life. But it's nice!

After we're done, he drove me to causewaypoint to get my tongue stud and then headed back to Pasir Ris. West Mall plaza for dinner, meatball congee. But my head hurts a lot... So he sent me back home after dinner and then he headed to work.

I'm gonna go sleep. My head hurts like mad. T_T

2009-12-02T00:12:00.005+08:00

The official end of you and me.

It's over.

You said you still cared.
You said you still loved me but just can't commit urself..
But it's nothing but a lie.

Why is it some people move on so easily,
while others just keeps hanging on to the past?

I wish I belong to the first category.
Sadly, I'm in the second.

You're attached now.
It's good.....

Finally, I'll be able to put this all down.
Because I am unable to turn back anymore.
Right now, I only have one way. & that's forward.

Cos you're gone, for good.

I loved you,
but you wanted someone else.

I will leave now.
I will smile and walk away from all this..

I'm happy for this outcome, because I am finally able to open up my heart to someone else who deserves it more than you do.

2009-12-01T19:34:00.002+08:00

I have been terribly sick for the past 2 days. Had to drag myself to school yesterday evening for the rehearsals for today's performance. My head hurts like hell.. ): But thanks a million to Mel who dropped by to visit me in the afternoon yesterday with herbal tea, porridge & a box of strepsils. The herbal tea was horribly bitter and disgusting, so I did not finish.. x_x" Made me feel like puking and crying when I drank it. Rarrrs. But the porridge was nice. Yums! (: He actually escaped from work for a little while to get those for me, and then headed back. When he ended work at 1pm or so, he came over to look for me again. He sms me asking if he could come and visit me, so I said sure. & the next sms was telling me that he's in the lift on the way up already. HAHAHA. FUNNY MAX.

After the rehearsal yesterday, went down to Bugis to look for my Evon and Terrence. They were having steamboat. Accompanied me for dinner over at Yoshinoya before we trained back home together.

Last night, I was coughing till I wish I'm dead. Seriously, it's that bad. I was crying like hell cos it's damn painful. My throat felt like it was tearing apart and my head felt so tight like it's gonna explode any moment. This morning, my head was so painful, I didn't want to go to school. Got mum to send me to school at 1045am for the performance during lunch time in school. It was horrible. :( I was so nervous and sweating! Plus we made tonnes of errors. Ugh! ): Embarrassing! Ohwell, it's over. The next will be on Friday..

Was kinda stressful with all the DHHM facis, Mrs Chua, Mr Toh, Dr Rosabel in the audience. Even more stressful when all of them came to talk to me saying well done and all those after it ended. AHHHHHH.. IT WAS HORRIBLE, how could they say that it's good?! Anyway, now I'm kinda labeled the violinist by all the facis that don't really know me. LOL! They see me and go, oh that one the violinist just now ah.. Hahaha..

Sit in class because next week's UT already. Check-out today. Was not so bad. But my head was exploding. ):

Waited for Evon baby to finish her meeting after school and headed home with herrr. (: Really hope everything will turn out fine on her side.

Home just in time for dinner with the family. I'm damn tired now, gonna go sleep though it's only 745pm. Nites!

2009-11-29T21:14:00.003+08:00

This morning when Mel was driving me back to his place after PH, he drove at 180km/h on the expressway. I was kinda sleepy and groggy already but the speed totally made me keep my eyes wide open. I WAS DAMN SCARED, I SWEAR. LOL!

It's 9.15pm now and I am going to sleep! GOODNIGHT.

2009-11-29T13:30:00.003+08:00

Just got back home after an entire night out! Powerhouse with Jolin, Amenda, Sheila, Jasper, Samantha & Melvin. Met See Han when I was queueing up, I couldn't recognise him and even asked Sam if that was her friend. HAHAHA! OOPS! Dancefloor was super packed. Had one of those 'cubicles', me & sam & mel danced inside. HAHHAA. Damn fun! :)

Couldn't take it at 4am already. Wanted to leave. But the others still wanna stay. So, Mel drove me back to his place. Crashed over till noon, went for lunch, and he drove me back home. YAWNNNNNNNN TIRED.

IM LAZY TO BLOG.
I HATE SUPAFLY 3AM'S TRANCE. UGH.
&&&&&, THE MUSIC'S GETTING BAD.
:(

Bye. :D

2009-11-28T13:12:00.000+08:00

After Rebel on 21st Nov, I told myself, clubbing makes me soooo tired. I'm not gonna be clubbing till my birthday. Yet, I went Rebel again on 26th Nov, Thursday. And today, 28th Nov, Saturday, I am going Powerhouse later. 4th Dec, Friday, I am going to Phuture.

OMG.

I damn suck. HAHAHA..

2009-11-28T10:54:00.002+08:00

I was so tired last night that I totally KO-ed at evon baby's house when I had actually intended to go home. I was struggling to keep my eyes open and trying to keep my brain from shutting down with the last bit of energy I have left. It was terrible! Thank God when mahjong ended, I didn't even care if I lost $10. Lie on her sofa, shut my eyes, and i'm gone to the wonderful lala land. :) it's like paradise to me at that point. Haha! Evon woke me up awhile later to go into her room to sleep. I gladly obliged.

I'm so tired because I have been up and about since 8am Thursday morning! Woke up, bathe, mum rushed me off to school. Was late by a few minutes. :( ohwell, I left house at 845 when lesson's at 915. Was already prepared to be late anyway. Late is better than not going, isn't it. I really didn't want to go to school! But I can't let my habit of skipping school come back..

Had photoshoot during lunch time. It's a disaster for me! My face skin was just starting to peel off. When I applied my make up, et even mentioned that I put my make up till very thick. Well, that's ridiculous because since when have I ever put my make up till very thick?! It's because of the dried skin that makes it look cakey and all that. :( hope the photo turns out well...

After lessons ended, waited with Germaine for evon baby to finish her meeting. After her meeting ended, we all rushed back home to bathe and prepare for Rebel at night! Reached home at 8pm, Germaine called at 9pm telling me that she's already reached bedok interchange. I was still at home getting ready! Faster make up and everything, left my place at 910pm, waited for the blardy bus till 935pm. WTF seriously! The bus driver sleeping? Ugh was so pissed! Rush rush rush. End up at rebel, cos it's eve of public holiday, so we don't have free tertiary entry. Had to pay 15bucks entry.

Got 2 jugs + 2 of drinks cos it's one for one promo before 11pm. Whiskey+coke and vodka redbull. Vodka redbull is nice! Bit I still hate vodka. Rarrrs! The feel it gives you is so not good! Accompanied gerlyn to macs to get apple pie becos she needs to have smth to eat. Her apple pie eat till half, drop on my feet. Hahaha! The sauce damn hot I swear! Ouch!! Went toilet to clean up, then headed back to rebel. Dancefloor's alr starting to get crowded. 1130pm started dancing, all the way till 415am. Non stop. Freaking awesome! But my legs are aching damn bad now.

Anyway, some bad stuffs happened to me which made me feel super fucked up but makes me laugh thinking about it now.. I'm gonna use vulgar cos those assholes are really mofos!!! Chibye fucking despo to the max! Firstly, there were so many tiko old uncles there! On the damn dancefloor! I need bodyguards against those paedophiles. Knn! Preying on young girls? Hope your dicks rot and fall off! Well, that made me uber freaked out so I danced with Germaine in the middle of a group of guys and kept moving away from that lecher that kept trying to eye me and get near me. Blardy hell... I cannot enjoy myself when I have to be so conscious of my surroundings. I had to ensure the guy was blocking the uncle away cos he wad fucking trying to move past the guys. Cbcbcb. Next, was this random drunk guy. He licked my ear la. LMAO I was damn grossed out! I jitao just push him away. Omg laaa. I was dancing with gerlyn at first, he came towards us, then his finger tried to hook my finger. I thought accident at first so I don't care. But it happened two three times again, even though I push his hands away. Then he didn't try to hook my finger alr but just held it and dance with me. Aiya fuck la. I push him away and he kept hold me back. Too little guy friends cos idiot Terrence got drunk so damn early and went home! LOL. Poor me, I'm on my own. I'm sober enough to know what I'm doing. So I just guarded myself and make sure that drunkard don't anyhow try to touch. He tried, I kept pushing his hands away. He obviously had no control over what he's doing alr. Started trying to grind me also and I really push him away damn hard. LOL. Kinda pathetic attempt man. Then my limit was when he went to lick my ear. Knn I push him and jitao stone there stare at him and stop dancing totally. Think he somehow woke up and told mr he go toilet first. Hahaha his facial expression was so awkward! Oi cb you eat my tofu then look so awkward. I nv slap you lor! Fucker sia. He came back after toilet, alot more sober. His face damn guilty. Hahahaha! Don't care, I just wanna have fun with my dearies. Hehehe.

Overall it was still a great night with evon, gerlyn, Julin, Germaine, Debbie, Joey, lianli, Raphael and that idiot Terrence that got drunk. Haha! :D

last song ended, I desperately need a drink. So I went to the bar counter, but it was closed alr. :( this guy thr helped us get a glass of coke. ;) he wanted to pour me Martell! Or was it chivas? Anyway he wanted to pour me hard liquor la. But I rejected cos I'm gonna die alr. Lols. Nice guy really. I one hand holding my ic and debit card mah. He reached over and took my ic and say, this one lend me awhile. I stun, no time for reaction. Lol! Then he say... Wa, too young la. LOL. Damn funnyyyyy! Then he got the bartender to get me and Germaine another glass of coke cos we were sooo tired. Thanked him and headed out to meet the rest. :)

all went off, left me and Germaine. I didn't want to take midnight cab home cos it's damn exp. And my pasir ris people all pangseh! :x ohwell, walked along the roadside while I made calls. Eventually decided to go find Ben. While we were about to take the cab, this angmoh from australia asked if st James was nearby. I told him, st James this time closing alr. It was 430 when he asked! Rarrrs. He started chatting with us a little, etcetc. Nice guy! Hahaha!!

Slacked at ben's house till 8am and Melvin came to pick me up. Driving different car siols. Lol! He came from his camp at pasir ris, all the way to commonwealth. Then go back white sands for breakfast at bk. LOL. Drive down just to pick me up for breakfast la! Germaine tagged along too. Was so shag, but I still felt like going out! Came back to my place to bathe and change. Took clothes for Germaine to wear. Amazingly I could find things for her la. Haha. Went melvin's place at woodlands after that for him to bathe and change. His sound system in his room damn cool la! Can blast music then club inside alr. Lol! And so many Winnie the pooh and friends collection! I likeeee! Haha!

Germaine fell asleep, then I stayed in living room chitchat with him awhile. Headed down to city hall area. Ate sakae at marina square. Yay my love! Hehe. Would have been perfect if it's sushi tei! He paid for dinner. Oh, he paid for breakfast too! I feel so bad la. Wanna pass him money he also dowan to take.. Somemore I got kinda pissed after that cos they kept on asking me where to go! Ugh.. Went to esplanade first. Wrote wishes on the floating balloons! I wished for love and happiness to fill everyone's life. Hehe. :) after that was when I got pissed and just walked ahead myself and they followed behind. Walked to nyny there then Mel asked if I still wanted to eat my ceaser salad. Mood change again, happy! Haha. Ceaser salad at nyny, also he pay even though he never eat. Zzz. Had free cotton candy! Yum! :)

sent germaine home and picked Evon and Terrence up at white sands. Evon wad also surprised that he changed car. Lol! His other car at outram though. Hmm. Went to evon's place, watched the show my gf is a secret agent or smth lidat. Damn funny!! :p then played mahjong. :)

*you really make me feel very disappointed.....

A message within a message.

2009-11-26T16:32:00.004+08:00

I am tired of constantly trying over and over again
But it takes a lot of courage to give up something you love so dearly
Love, it's not supposed to hurt
Rather, it should be filled with sweetness and happiness, isn't it?
Only you can put that smile on my face again
You, the man who holds my heart...
Vague are the memories we once shared together
And the distance between us grows further and further apart
Emptiness overwhelms my lonely heart
Now everything seems so hard to reach
You probably already have someone else in your heart now...
Longing for your love, longing for your presence.
One more chance, that's all I'm asking for
I just want to prove my love for you.
Until the day I leave this place behind,
My heart belongs to only you.....

** Coded.

2009-11-26T02:38:00.001+08:00

Should I just give up?
I probably should already.

ifmyb

2009-11-26T02:24:00.001+08:00

You're probably making me go through it all over again. Your ignoring and rejections, it's killing me. You said you still care for me, why can't I feel it at all?

I really don't know what I've done to deserve this. Why can't you just be a little better towards me?

I fucking miss you and it fucking hurts.

2009-11-26T01:31:00.002+08:00

To be holding on to something that you know is already gone, is that being strong or just being plain stupid?

People say, it takes a lot to hold on to someone that you love dearly even though you know that they're already gone. But it takes a lot more effort to let go of that someone you love with all your heart.

I don't know what I should do now.

Am I really gonna have fun without you?
I can't do it..

Sudden depression.
Have always felt upset, but not depressed.
I'm going down, badly.

My emotions are getting harder to handle.

2009-11-26T01:15:00.002+08:00

Every night, the same routine. I'm fine in the day, but not so in the night. Alone in my room, on my bed, thoughts just flood through my mind. Especially, him. Been the same for 6 months, always thought of him every night.

Label me emo, I don't really care anymore. It gets annoying. Anyway, I don't see any wrong in being 'emo'. Everyone's entitled their own emo times. At the very least, emo people dare admit their feelings, isn't it? I don't see a point in hiding my feelings within me. Unless you're telling me my feelings are gonna kill someone, then that's gonna be different.

Memories, why can't they be erased? I ever promised him that I'll never forget him. But can I not remember those memories we had together? Cos I swear, it still hurts. To know that it has all ended, it'll never be the same again.

I miss him.

2009-11-25T00:47:00.002+08:00

Please set aside 30th Dec's night for my birthday @ Powerhouse! It's gonna be ladies night so my girls get to go for free. (:

I haven't officially invited anyone yet except those who has already asked about it. I've sent out invitations for the event via facebook to most people. Let me know if I've missed you out!

I'm damn anticipating this year's birthday. Gonna be so much fun because I've met lots of cool people within the span of this 1 year in my awesome diploma. :) Love you guys!

2009-11-22T23:57:00.000+08:00

Our memories together.....
I miss you.

2009-11-22T04:49:00.002+08:00

Just reached home. Zijian saw me and went..... You drank right? Zzz. Cos I'm red like a lobster after suntanning! D: & I SAW FANNY AND COULDN'T RECOGNISE HIM. I'm like.... YOU LOOK DAMN FAMILIAR. Hahahah! Then the next split second I realised it's him. OMFG I don't recognise him after he cut his hair! LOLOLOL...

Stupid guys, at my house watching my brother play computer. What's it with guys man...

Rebel was alright I guess. I'm probably not totally in the mood to club that's why I wanted to go home when it was only 1230. Stayed with Bern outside of Rebel talking for an hour over before going back in. 4am, cabbed back home. Tired! ): & the smoke in rebel has a weird smell & taste. Fucking horrid to my nose & tastebuds. Kept wanting to vomit.

ifmyb, still. ):
yesterday night... i'm sorry. i really wanted to cry. thanks for letting me cry & wiping away my tears, and letting me fall asleep in your arms.

I'm finding it harder and harder to control my emotions.

2009-11-20T15:03:00.000+08:00

I'm angry. Seriously. No kidding.

Fly my kite again. Very fun? I'm waiting for 3pm for my sushi buffet. You said to confirm with me at 2pm, I've been trying to contact you since 230 till now. I'm really very very very annoyed.

COS YESTERDAY NIGHT YOU ALSO FLY MY KITE.

Okay, byebye.
Angry. Angry. Angry.
ANGRY MAXIMUM!!!!!!

2009-11-19T23:14:00.000+08:00

hungry & sad.

2009-11-19T19:58:00.002+08:00

I don't know why, but it's seriously annoying me a hell lot when guys express interest in me. Especially so when such guys don't understand/accept rejection. I don't wanna be too harsh but sometimes I really have no choice. Cos I am sure that I am not ready for any relationships, nor am I interested in anyone right now.

Whatever happened for the last month still has quite an impact on me. My faith and trust in love is close to nothing. I don't want to believe anymore, cos the fear grew so much that I've built up a wall around myself to prevent the pain from getting to me any further.

It's like I prepared my heart to accept someone else, but all those stuffs had to happen. Never felt that kind of dejection before. It's like..... something weird. Why? Was I expecting anything to happen? In fact, yes. I was. That's why the major disappointments that I felt. Well, LIFE GOES ON. I've still got my friends to pull me through, like always! (:

I realised, I always say that I'm unwanted. It's not true. Only that, the ones that want me are not the ones that I want. Sincerity and patience is the key to win a girl's heart, I've always mentioned that. So, prove it to me if you want me. I'll safeguard my heart for now. (:

Cos I'm a brave girl, always have been. No matter how many times I've fallen before, I've always managed to pick myself up and move on.

I'll never give up on my life no matter how tiring it gets. :)

2009-11-19T15:34:00.001+08:00

Polyclinic > wanton mee > mahjong.

:D

Dinner with Eddie later tonight!

2009-11-18T23:39:00.003+08:00

Evon's staying over tonight! :)
Love her soooo much. She saved my cooking, somehow. Haha! I was frying rice, but I didn't use overnight rice. So the rice was uber wettt, very hard to fry! x_x

Sick today, didn't go to school. She came over to visit me in the evening.. So sweet of her! (L) We messed up the kitchen trying to save the cooking of mine. Hahaha!

Thank goodness before that, I made egg mayo sandwiches for my brothers. :) Yummy! (Y)

Washed clothes, hang clothes, wash plates, clean up the kitchen, 'mop' floor with the magic wipes...

Tomorrow I'm gonna iron clothes and mop floor with water&soap. Dirtydirty! But gonna see doctor and get MC first...

YAWN, I'm tired!

2009-11-18T12:32:00.001+08:00

:( s i c k .
me don't like.
rarrrrrs!

The snow falls in my heart.
Cold solitude.
Numb all the feelings within.

2009-11-18T01:22:00.002+08:00

I am so tired, just reached back home at about 1am!

KFC for dinner after schl, Udders @ Novena for Waffles&Icecream with Evon&Bern after that... Two thumbs up! The Hazelnut Icecream flavour tastes like Ferrero Rocher. (: I likeee!

Caught the show Black Hawk Down with Evon & Bern. But, I fell asleep halfway through because I was soooo damn tired. ): Nice show though! Woke up when there's still about an hour more to go. Very heart wrenching to see so many people injured and die in a war, and being in so so so much pain. :(

Slept on the bus ride back to Pasir Ris. Had to cab back home because that's the only transport left besides walking. I'm too tired to walk & it's so late already!

I wanna get miniature perfume bottles to bring around alrrrrr. It's uber duper cute. (:

Love them for keeping me company. So much more easier not to think about things that are not worth thinking about. :)

2009-11-17T07:37:00.001+08:00

Sick.
:(

When will you come and take me away from all this pain?

2009-11-17T00:24:00.002+08:00

Udders after schl and probably a movie. :)

Don't ask me out on Wednesday, I'm gonna stay home to cook and wash clothes.

I wanna cook curry chicken + rice, but I'm lazy to get the ingredients. Potato, need to peel. Chicken, need to chop. Curry powder, need to buy. Rarrrrs.

I'll probably make fried rice again. With prawns....... Yum! But idk if I got the time to go shop for ingredients. O: Maybe Thursday then cook?

I feel like washing clothes now but I scared halfway I fall asleep. =.=

Okay, retarded. Bye. Hahaha

2009-11-16T21:21:00.002+08:00

I don't need nobody but me. (:

EDDIE, I know you're reading this.
Let's go dinner together soon, after your APEC duty ends.
Thanks for all your concerns every single time.
EDDIE'S THE BEST. HAHAHA.

But, don't start $%^&* at me for posting your name so big on my blog again.
Hehehehe.

Anyway this afternoon, Mel bough lunch for me & my lil bro. Hahaha. & I played the violin & piano for him, now he's damn touched. =.=" He also drove me & evon to schl since he stays in woodlands. Lololol.. Shiok ah.

I'm so blardy hell tired. Just came home after dinner with evon, bern & raphael @ cwp pastamania. Bloaaated. Damn full! ):

THIS SAT, REBEL.
:D

I don't care about anything now!

2009-11-16T11:48:00.000+08:00

I realise that I cannot live without my parents.
I will miss them so much, and then the house just feels so empty with only my siblings around.

I really miss daddy & mummy so so so much.

2009-11-16T10:38:00.002+08:00

Somebody sent me this introduction of himself. Of cos I didn't reply, I never reply such things. But... yeah, kinda interesting and sweet tbh if you look past the fact that it might have been copied and pasted to every other girl and he's probably a despo.

I keep focus on my future en am looking for a girl that also do that; I mean a girl with a goal, that as a future so that we can be together in the nearest future as a couple and be together as one. I want to travel to USA, Spain, UK, Canada, France, Germany, and Australia. An all across the Globe country for trails but I guess when the time is right it will happen. En i believe that women needs to be treated with respect and as a equal partner in a relationship, but all I seem to find is the ones that does not know how to respond to that or is untrusting to it. I think every one should be treat with respect and like they are a person not a piece of shit or whatever. I am the type of person who wants somebody to feel wanted not just as a trophy. I am a very affectionate person and I love to cuddle, I like to show somebody how I feel not just telling them. I love to be close to somebody whether it is in the bed on the couch or wherever. My dreams are to be happy full of joy without sorrow till the end of time. That’s going to start in the nearest future, Kindly reply, please…

He seems to be saying out my thoughts.

But, MUST goals and ambitions involve money, always? Cos mine involves only satisfaction and aims to please the people I love. My goal is to study hard, graduate and get a diploma. Further my studies to get a degree if possible. Cos all these are what my parents want, so that at least with my cert, I am considered stable, they don't have to worry much for me.

My ambition... I just want to be in the front line of the service sector, to deliver my services and make people happy. I know the pay SUCKS in the service industry, but this is the path that I have already chosen. As long as I know I've done my best, the pay is enough for me to get by, it's good enough. Of cos, I aim to climb higher up, be a manager, etc. But I'd prefer starting from the bottom, getting a good foundation and getting a good grasp of understanding the tasks that re done. So that if ever I were to be in manager position, I'd understand my staff better.

If not, I could always fall back into the music industry. Or my ambition since I was a kid, to be a teacher. I still want to be a teacher, it's still my most-wanted thing to do. But I'll go along with whatever I'm studying for my diploma first. At least I've got some experience in this sector.. I'm considering part-time tutor, music or studies. But, NO CONFIDENCE. I don't want to disappoint people. I've considered this for such a long long time but have not put it into action due to my confidence level only. ):

For my short-term goals, to put in effort in class, spend time with friends, be a good daughter that doesn't cause worries to my parents.. :)

Is money important? Yes. It is. BUT, I place happiness and satisfaction over money. That's why I've been slurging so much recently. Cos I've been so unhappy. I go out with friends alot so that I will not have so much spare time to think too much. But I guess, it's a little too over. I'm gonna start saving up for my future anyways starting now. :) & not gonna eat so much anymore. HAHA.

Gonna go eat lunch now. Cup noodles FTW. :D

2009-11-16T10:05:00.003+08:00

Did not go to school today. My feet still hurts, and caught a cold probably from the cold wind last night. Got to go school for FA test later though... No confidence in doing it. ):

All this problems and stress is causing me a pimple outbreak. Really don't like it. When will it end? I don't wish to think about it. Probably just forget everything that anyone's ever promised me. Sick of all the empty promises...

My feet STILL hurts. Maybe my bones/veins got crushed by the impact that is why I feel the pain so badly even though there's no physical wounds.

Mummy called and smsed me this morning. It's snowing over at where she is, temperature's -3 degree celcius and very cold. Hope that she & daddy are alright there. Especially daddy, hope his injured leg doesn't feel much pain and that it won't be too cold for him... :) Miss them much!

I thought through a lot a lot last night. I'm not going to be explaining why am I like this, cos fact is this is who I am. I'm not going to be seeking explanations or reasons for things that were said to me because it's not going to change the fact that everything has changed.

This is meaningless, me crying and feeling hurt. Promised myself I'm not going to be so easily affected by guys, but I became so affected. Never needed anyone to be with me.. Always been alone even when I'm attached. What's it with me & all this... Probably destined to be alone. Got so used to it already. Guys using work as excuse all the time, when it's actually their heart that had a change.

I won't go begging anyone to come back to me. Cos I'm so much more than this. I don't need a man to survive. All I ever wanted was to be with someone and give him my love. But, forget it... I'll just be alone since what guys nowadays wants is someone who don't have to love them & know how to tckre of themselves. Seriously, like that the guy might as well stay single? ...

I'm gonna focus on my studies, family and friends. Want me, prove it. Don't want me, don't even come near. Stupid stupid stupid. Lies and bullshits. I don't want to hear..

I'll take care of myself. Even if I'm in pain, even if I'm sick, I'm not gonna say a word so that nobody will worry. Everything will be done on my own. I'm sick of believing.

2009-11-16T03:06:00.001+08:00

I miss mum and dad.

2009-11-16T02:47:00.001+08:00

Nobody understands.

2009-11-15T22:08:00.002+08:00

My heart is not a playground of love...

Too many times I've been a fool to believe that finally there is someone out there who accepts me for who I am. But... I'm wrong. In the minds of guys that claim to like me, there is a standard that they've set that I must follow up to. Once I'm out of place, off I go, feelings are gone just like that. Whatever happened to all the things they've said when they're "in love" with me? Forgotten, or simply just chucked aside by saying "I thought it was like this, but with time, I realise that it's not."

Why do people use the word Love so easily? Don't they know that it will hurt the people who really believe in it? Let's take an example of Boy and Girl. One moment Boy says "I love you", saying things like his feelings for Girl will not change no matter what because he has fallen in love with her. He does sweet stuffs for her, trying to win her heart, getting her to believe and trust him. But... Things starts to change. One night, they had some disagreements on some issues. Ever since, things grew cold from his side and Girl started feeling the emptiness in her heart because everything the Boy once did touched her deeply and she really wanted to give him a chance. Yet because of those disagreements, everything's changed. Now Boy feels that they have a lot of differences and he is not able to accept them. So... why use the word Love in the first place?

You say you've observed things about me and understood more, you're unable to carry on from here. Then where does that leave me?

I locked myself in the room and had a good long cry. I'm going to lock up my heart and surrender myself to this game of love. I don't wish to play anymore.

2009-11-15T21:07:00.001+08:00

I've fallen & I can't get up.
Struggling.
I'm tired.

I shouldn't have fell in the first place.
It hurts like hell now.

2009-11-15T15:33:00.002+08:00

I got my UOB st james membership card already. :) !!!

Bought KFC back for lunch for me & didi. Gonna go eat. I'm famished since last evening.

2009-11-15T13:18:00.002+08:00

I'm kinda upset by what I saw last night in the club. It affected my mood a hell lot. One moment I'm super high dancing like crazy, but the next I'm stoned out wanting to cry... Sheeeeeeesh. ):

But like what Eric told me, what happens in a club stays in a club. & what the rest told me too, just don't look. See no evil!

I'll be fine. I'll wash those images out of my brain.

Happy 24th Birthday Bryan. Thanks for dancing with me. (: & for holding my hands and bringing me to the toilet when I was madly crying because my leg was in a hell lot of pain.

Today was the date I gave myself to give up on this. I told myself, it's gonna be the last. It's really gonna be...

Really thanks a million to Ben who had to entertain me when I didn't want to go back home and didn't want to sleep. :) I'm gonna go home now.

& this starts my new life without turning back to you anymore.

2009-11-13T15:55:00.000+08:00

My poor eyes... ):

2009-11-13T14:32:00.005+08:00

Tomorrow is gonna be such a fun night! So many people are gonna go, apart from my original bunch of classmates. (: Too bad, too bad, PAUL CHOO going powerhouse tonight, not tomorrow! Grr.. I've got APEC tomorrow morning so I can't join him tonight. :( I wanna go clubbing with him! Becos he will confirm send me home! :X

Let's see... Tomorrow's attendance for my class:
- ME
- EVON
- RACH
- RINNA
- GERMAINE
- TERRENCE
- DESMOND
- SHAUN
- RAPHAEL
- SENKIAT
- PEISHAN *maybe*

- BERN

DENNIS called me last night asking me if I'm clubbing this weekend. He might come by! (: But I told him I'm with lots of friends so if he's coming alone, I don't think I can entertain him much anw. :\

JOJO just told me he's going with his bros! Woooo. :D

BRYAN's birthday @ Powerhouse tomorrow night too!
ERIC will be going. :D:D:D

I bet tmr's gonna be the MOST AWESOME night ever. :D
I'm gonna forget everything and just have fun.
Not gonna be decent, gonna get down & dirty, forget who I am.

xoxo

2009-11-13T11:30:00.004+08:00

I hate how I cry over the slightest things.
I hate how these slightest things can affect me so much.
I hate how I can't control my emotions.
I hate how I believe so easily...

Woke up with flu, sore eyes.
Skipped school.

APEC tomorrow, Powerhouse at night.
I'm gonna go crazy and enjoy myself.
I'm gonna drink till I'm drunk.
I'm gonna dance till my legs break.

Don't need anybody taking care of me.
I'll be fine on my own.

My eyes hurt like fuck. Zzz...
Red until omfg................

2009-11-13T01:51:00.002+08:00

Screw it. I'm going out now. Bye.

2009-11-13T01:18:00.003+08:00

I tried to give you a chance to enter my heart.
But your uncertainties has caused me too much doubts.
If you can't do it, just stop it now.
I'll just be alone by myself. It doesn't really matter cos that's how it has always been.
Excuses, reasons, I don't want to hear.

I'll be fine alone.
Always have been...

Not feeling well.
Everything's just not going right.

Kinda tired of everything in my life now.
It's wearing me out.
No mood to think of anything else.

2009-11-09T17:22:00.001+08:00

Powerhouse on Saturday night.
I'm gonna have fun till I drop.
Definitely will.
Without a doubt.

Let loose and drink till drunk.

2009-11-09T14:26:00.001+08:00

Tears filled my eyes when I was eating lunch today. But I can't cry, not when I have eyeliner on, not infront of friends. Couldn't help it, the tears were going to spill. Had to lift my head up to prevent the tears from falling.

I'm really not happy. I don't like this pain.

2009-11-09T10:42:00.001+08:00

I wanna go back to my comfort zone...

:'(

I feel so lost now

2009-11-09T06:34:00.002+08:00

How do you wake up when you've barely even slept?

Off to school now.
Got an awesome gastric pain.

2009-11-09T03:07:00.001+08:00

what's the point of telling me all those bullshits like you wanna be with me and then end up telling me you're not ready?

lolssssssssss.
byebye.

2009-11-09T03:00:00.003+08:00

this
makes
me
want
to
go
back
to
the
past
even
more
though
i
have
fucking
tried
so
hard
to
move
on
and
give
it
another
try
but
i
guess
it
is
all
just
bullshit
and
now
i
know
i
have
always
been
just
ANOTHER
girl
in
someone
else's
life
but
never
someone
special.
i
swear
i
fucking
hate
this
feeling
and
i
really
wish
to
run
away
now
into
ANYBODY's
arms
and
fucking
cry
my
eyes
out.

GOODNIGHT -'-

2009-11-09T02:53:00.002+08:00

My faith in love is nothing now.
Fuck it, I don't need a guy to live.

I don't believe a single shit.
Not anymore.

I DAMN HATE THIS SHIT FEELING.

It's like bringing me high up to the sky and dropping me down to hell.

Is it worth it?
To try to hard to make me believe.
FOR WHAAAAAT?

damn damn damn.

2009-11-09T01:49:00.003+08:00

Will blog when I've got the time.

Thursday - Swensens with Evon, Ben, Andre @ Tampines Mall. Evon's place for studying and stayover.
Friday - Fish&Co after schl, Bern's hse for stayover.
Saturday - Met Ruth @ bus interchange after not seeing her for 4 years though she stays 2 blocks away. *Self reminder: Stringe welfare*
Sunday - Brought lulu to Sentosa with Ben. Lost my sunglasses and dropped my iphone.

I AM SO HUNGRY NOW ):

Lynette's coming back on Friday!
Parents are leaving on Saturday.

HAISSS.

Admit it to everyone if you really love me.
Then I will believe you. :)
If not, I'll always have my doubts.

2009-11-06T13:57:00.002+08:00

Financial Accounting is killing me. The confusion is causing me so much stress I feel like breaking down and cry right here right now. Fuck it. UT later, I don't wanna take...

Please, I'm so tired.
Leave me alone.
I don't want to face those problems.

I'll be on my own.

2009-11-06T09:25:00.003+08:00

Your every word and action still affects me. I can't move on when I know I can't bring myself to leave you yet.

Why is it everytime I see you, I would always cry?

You told me you miss me.
You told me you can't forget our memories even when you try not to think.

How did you think I felt all those times?

What now.

I don't want anything.

Don't hug me, I won't be able to walk away.
Don't hold my hands, I won't want to let it go.
& all our memories flooded back when you did that
i've tried so hard to forget you for the last 3 months
it's all gone to waste now
every single time you do this to me
i got to do it all over again

2009-11-05T09:31:00.002+08:00

Mum has been sending me to school recently, because I can't wake up on time and am always late. By right, 9.15am class, I should be out of the house by 7.30am at the latest. But for the last 2 days, I am still at home at 8am. Probably still at the bus stop at 8.15am. So mum offered to send me to school since daddy sprained his ankle and can't play badminton. Love her much!(:

This morning, I opened my mini foundation and the cake all fell out. :( Sigh. It must have been that night at Spinelli when I just threw my bag on to the floor. I totally forgot my make up is in the bag! Asked mum to get a new one for me, she says she'll get it at DFS when she goes overseas. (: Love her again. Hehe!

Oh and yesterday, was having some random conversation with mummy on the way to school. I mentioned that I need more clothes since I'm not going to be washing my clothes everyday after my maid leaves. Casually said that we should go Thailand shopping, and she says, let's go in december during the christmas period. Damn steady! LOVE HER ALOTALOTALOT! :D

Last evening, went to woodlands library to do resume with Evon & Bern. After that, Sakae with Evon @ CWP. (: Had lots of fun with her. Craziness. Hahaha.

Update later, should be listening in class now. Tough tough tough. Bye.

Don't lie, don't lie to me...
"...cos you're my one & only now"
Why can't I forget all the things that you said?

I wanna cry now, not because I still have feelings for you.
But because, you lied to me.......
Don't tell me you never had someone else when you brought different girls home.

Hais.
Disappointed.

Can't be bothered with you anymore. :)

2009-11-05T00:09:00.002+08:00

Seriously, fuck the resume. I don't want to go for IIP, can? I don't want my fucking diploma anymore. Fuck school.

I don't want anything anymore.
NOTHING at all.

2009-11-04T09:47:00.001+08:00

Everytime I think of me really leaving you now, my heart feels the pull and I'd cry. But no, I won't turn back anymore.....

2009-11-04T00:03:00.002+08:00

Benbenbenbenben [:

Thank you.

*

Needs so much more rest. Went to find Ben in the afternoon today and he let me sleep. Went to Ion with Ben to find Bern, Rach, Germaine, Desmond, Evon, Andre & Lifen @ the foodcourt. Andre & Lifen didn't join us for Gelare. :( Sad. Well, still enjoyed myself with the rest. I'm always enjoying myself out with DHHMers. Fun bunch, I love, extremeee!

Spinelli after, some did RJ, fb, slack. I had a cake, and I love Evon's ceaser salad. It's nice, addictive. My first time eating it! Played the TITITITITITI game and had lots of fun just laughing.

Well, I'm tired. Really tired. Ben sent me back to Pasir Ris. :D

*

I don't wanna hurt anyone.
Please don't love me if you know I don't.

2009-11-03T17:24:00.001+08:00

YAY(: Waffles @ Gelare with my dearests later! Bye. (:

2009-11-03T17:24:00.000+08:00

YAY(: Waffles @ Gelare with my dearests later! Bye. (:

2009-11-03T07:43:00.002+08:00

Not feeling well. Just had diarrhea ):

Because I see through all your words and actions, it's like I understand perfectly what your intentions are. You don't want to lose me, don't want to see me with another. But you don't love me enough to keep me by your side.

It's not the first time you're doing this. Whenever you feel that I'm slipping away, letting you go, this are the times when you start breaking down.

Why must I suffer from your indecisiveness?

You can hurt me without a second thought, but you're not strong enough to endure the heartache yourself. Through this 3 months, you've given me so many excuses and reasons to why you broke up with me. Too many, I don't know which to believe.

But I know, you just don't want to lose someone who's always been here for you. You know it's true. Nobody, nobody, nobody ever loved you the way I did.

How can I walk away when you're pulling me back? Everytime you tell me to leave, everytime you push me away, you tell me it's because you can't be with me, you don't deserve my love, so you tell me to be with a better guy who can give me what I want.

How can I leave you like this? When your every word just tells me you don't want me to go..

But I'm leaving. I'm really leaving this time.

Whether I'm moving on to be with another or just running away to be alone, time will tell. You always said, time will heal my wounds, but I've always asked you, how long?

Doesn't matter how long it's gonna take. As long as I've taken the first step to letting you go, I'm on my way to recovery.

*

I need to clear my thoughts, so much more.

2009-11-03T00:37:00.002+08:00

First time going over to Bryan's place not because of him but because of his sister.

F&B practical today, ended class early. Late lunch @ Food Haven with the class before heading over to Yvonne's place for movies. Wanted to mahjong initially but couldn't find 1 leg. Bought snacks & drinks and decided to watch movies instead. First up, the doll house. 2nd, The proposal.

I didn't really watch the horror film because I'm scared, but I watched the proposal. Damn awesome movie. But, my tears dropped while watching that. Not because the movie's sad, but because of what B was smsing me.

I'm very sleepy. Falling asleep already.

2009-11-02T00:59:00.001+08:00

I took the first step into letting you go & forgetting you by allowing my heart to let another enter.

But the fear of being hurt is overwhelming, I'm scared and insecured. I hate such feelings.

2009-11-01T22:37:00.001+08:00

Maybe I've fallen.
Yeah, I probably have.

I'm not happy about it.

2009-10-30T21:27:00.003+08:00

Hao..... Please recover fast. Seeing you in this state, my heart aches damn badly. When Qi sent me the photo of your current state, I swear I almost fucking cried. Thank God nothing happened to you, thank God you're still here. Really, thank God...

Going to Malaysia with mummy, daddy & zixun tmrw morning to visit Hao. Initially didn't want to go because had plans in the night and was afraid I can't make it back in time. But zixun called me just now while I was playing mahjong with the classmates @ Bern's house and asked me to go. Called mummy, she said we'll be back before night cos they have things on at night too.

I'm glad I decided to go. From the start, I should have decided to go no matter I have plans or not. I swear, family is the most important to me.

Sorry ah hao.. You're important to me. Please please please recover soon.

2009-10-30T15:28:00.002+08:00

Confidence has always been an issue for me.
I have none.
I am afraid of things going wrong.
Nobody likes being hurt.
The feeling of being abandoned, I don't want to go through that again.

WHY AM I SO EMOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Maybe it's best to leave things as it is for now.
School's stressing me up like omfg.

Hais.

2009-10-30T14:53:00.003+08:00

I want to sleep! Listening to all the terms of FA makes me wanna vomit. :(

Why oh why do I have no appetite to eat even though I'm very hungry? I'm probably sick because my whole body feels really uncomfortable and weak. :(

Bern's house later with my class for mahjong/rockband. YAY.
But I really want to sleep....

I don't wanna give my heart away so easily.
Lost faith in forever love.
If it ain't gonna be forever, I don't want it...
What if this feelings are only for a moment?
& if they're gone one day...
Wouldn't I be left with nothing then?

How sure are you...?
I'm not.

SIGHHHHHHHHH.

Headache.